Hetalia Crack Fic: The Great Shipping Quest
by RandomWriter57
Summary: Japan has one crazy day - but did it even really happen? Crack fic, please don't take seriously! Rated T for Romano's mouth. Warning label and pairings inside!


_**WARNING: **__**May contain a gay German, a crazed Hungarian, and a hell-uv-a-lot-ta Engrish. And pairings. Lots of them.  
Pairings: Gerita (main), USUK (background), Spamano (if you squint), Prucan (squint even harder now), AusHun (background).**_

_**DISCLAIMER: **__**I don't own Hetalia, Superdry, iPhones, the iPhone song, manga, fanfictions, the nations, cameras, walkie-talkies, myself…oh wait…**_

* * *

Japan's house had a calm, peaceful atmosphere to it as he rose on the early summer morning. Pushing away the covers of his futon, he stood, blinking at the sunlight filtering through the gap in the curtain. He plucked some fresh clothing from his dresser and engaged the bathroom to shower. As he pulled off his nightwear, he looked at his skinny reflection. _'Good rord,'_ he thought to himself_. 'I am sexaaay!'_

For the next few minutes, he made many sexy poses in the mirror before realising what he was doing, stripping off the rest of the way and entering the shower. After showering, he dried himself off and clothed himself. When his hair was towel-dry to perfection, he quickly combed it before looking in the mirror, smirking and whipping his short black locked. "Because I'm worth it!"

When he entered the kitchen to prepare breakfast, he realised that this day was destined to go to disaster, as the outcome was fated to be. For on his counter lay a naked figure, its tail swishing and its pointed ears twitching. Yes, you've guessed it; a fully naked France with cat ears and tail lay on his counter, with only a rose to conceal his 'Eiffel Tower'.

Japan glared angrily at the Frenchman before bringing out his entire manga collection compiled into one book and giving him a spanking he would never forget. He later crawled miserably from the house, tail between his legs.

Having completely forgotten about breakfast, he proceeded to an open door at the end of the hall, completely dark apart from the light of a computer screen. A teenage girl sat at the computer, eyes wide with trying not to drop with exhaustion.

"Ah, Random-chan, have you finished the monorouge for the next chapter of the fanfiction?" Japan asked her.

"Yes, I finished not too long ago." she replied weakly.

"So what are you writing now?"

"...nothing..."

"What is it?" he glanced over her shoulder, skimming a few lines of the text. He gasped. "Reader inserts?!"

"I can explain!"

"You know how much I hate reader inserts! HOW COURD YOU BETRAY MY TRUST?! THOSE THINGS ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIR! I WIRR NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"

"Please, I'm sorry, it's just-!"

"JUST NOTHING! I DON'T CARE ABOUT EXCUSES, WHY ARE YOU WRITING SUCH CRAP!"

"I was bored, okay Japan? Bored and not wanting to sleep! I just wanted to write it for my own entertainment, it's not going anywhere-"

"YES, BUT THEN IT ENDS UP ON FANFICTION WEBSITES AND EVERYONE IN THE WORRD SEES IT AND YOU ARE RABERED A FANGIRR AND YOUR FORROWERS ARR REAVE YOU AND YOU HAVE TO START ARR OVER AGAIN! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?!" Not too long ago, the nation himself had written a reader insert that was so fangirly that all of his respectable followers had left him, labelling him as a hardcore insane fangirl - yes, girl. It wasn't his fault that his reader inserts were a little over-the-top...

"Yes, but that won't happen to me since I wouldn't exaggerate them that much and if I'm writing it as if I'm the reader, then I'm not going to over-exaggerate it since I'm pretty simple anyways!"

"I don't care, I stirr don't think you should be writing those." he said sternly. "I don't want you rosing arr of your fans."

"It'll be fine, don't worry!" she assured him before going back to her work.

Japan sighed before leaving and going to the living room. Perhaps he would find sanity there?

Before he could even enter the room, his ringtone burs into life.

_"This is my ringtone,_

_It's on my iPhone,_

_No you don't have one..."_

He accepted the call. "Konnichiwa, Honda Kiku speaking."

_"JAPAN, JAPAN!"_ a shrill voice cried._ "GERMANY IS ACTING STRANGE! HE HASN'T GOT HIS HAIR SLICKED BACK AND HE'S GOING AROUND SKIPPING EVERYWHERE! HELP MEEEEE!" _Italy ended the call.

_'Oh good rord...'_ Japan thought before grabbing his Superdry and leaving the house.

* * *

When he got to Italy's house, he was pretty shocked. Everything was a mess, and the two Italians were nowhere to be seen. Entering the house, his yell was muffled as a hand clamped over his mouth and he was dragged to the side. Once he was sat down, he licked the hand, causing it to release him.

"Good rord, what was that?!" he exclaimed.

"Ve~ sorry Japan, but Germany is acting strange and we can let him see us!" Italy told him, and Japan nodded understandingly.

The southern Italian scowled. "You didn't need to lick my hand, damn bastard..."

"So what's up?" the Asian disregarded the previous statement.

"It's just like I said, Germany is being really strange. He's skipping around the house, singing something at the top of his voice! He also has his hair down, I don't know what happened!"

"Did he visit anyone before coming here?" Japan asked earnestly.

"Ve~ I think he went to see Poland..."

"Well let's phone the damn bastard and ask what he drugged the kraut with!" Romano scowled, pulling out his iPhone. "Here, fish bastard, you do it."

Nodding in acceptance, Japan scrolled to find the right contact before selecting the mobile number. The dialtone sounded three times before it was picked up.

_"Czesc! You have like, totally reached me, Poland! So, who's this?"_

"Konnichiwa Poland-san, it is Japan speaking."

_"Oh, heeeeey Japan! How's it going?"_

"I am very werr thank you. Now, onto the reason-"

_"That's cool! So, what's happenin'?"_

"Ah, yes werr, I am currentry at Itary-kun's house. They have carred me for herp since they are being faced with a rittre diremma."

_"What's up?"_

"Germany-kun has been acting a rittre...abnormar. He is skipping around the house, singing at the top of his voice. We heard that he had visited you earrier, and we were wondering if he was acting strangery then?"

_"Oh, Germany! Yeah, he like, visited earlier and he was just like normal, totally being a stick in the mud wanting to talk about strengthening our relations or whatever, and then I pointed something out to him and he just gets up and leaves. I was like - not cool."_

"So he just reft?"

_"Yeah!"_

"But, what did you point out?" at this point, the man put his phone onto speaker so the other two could hear it.

_"His gayness."_

"WHAT?!" the three axis Nations were in shock.

_"His gayness!"_

"And you thought it was a good idea to arrert him of this?!"

_"Yeah, I mean, he like, totally has the hots for - someone - and he like, needs to be able to tell them!"_

"But now he's running around rike a runatic..."

_"Well, it's not like I knew that would happen! Now me and Liet are gonna paint our llamas, ciao!"_

The phone clicked off, and they sat together in shock.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...onhonhon~"

"France!?" the three exclaimed at once, Romano hiding behind his brother, who was cowering in the corner, and Japan bringing out his manga collection again. "Ah, so your rast spanking wasn't enough, eh?"

"Non, please!" France pleaded, a look of pure terror in his eyes. "I am not 'ere for my own benefit! I 'ad 'eard zat Allemagne was acting strangely, and I 'eard ze conversation wis Poland, so I sink I know ze answer!"

"What is it?" Japan asked, being the only one able to do so.

"One of my best friends is Prussia, non?" Japan nodded. "Well, who is 'is broser?"

"...Prussia-kun's brother is Germany-kun, isn't it?"

"Exactly! So, we should call 'im and see what 'e says!"

So now, Japan began to dial Prussia's number. The dialtone sounded.

_"Hallo, Preußen sprechen."_

"Konnichiwa Prussia-kun, it is me, Japan."

_"Japan! Hey, what's up? You looking for West?"_

"No, but your brother is the cause of my carr, I am sorry to say."

_"What's going on then?"_

"Your brother recentry paid a trip to Porand-san's house, resurting in Porand-san informing him of his...sexuar preference."

_"Ah, so he's finally found out, huh?"_

"You're not worried?"

_"Nein, West would probably just smack him and leave, right?"_

"No, sorry. He actuarry reft Porand-san's house and soon turned up at Itary-kun's house, acting very abnormar..."

_"Let me guess; skipping, hair down, singing 'Springtime for Hitler' at the top of his voice?"_

"...how did you know?"

_"I saw him go past our house and straight off through Switzy's house. I'm surprised he wasn't shot."_

"Ah, that makes sense. So, can you herp us?"

_"Yep, I can also derp you if you want!"_

"...I mean herp- her- her- aaagh!" Japan, uncharacteristically frustrated, handed France the phone and moved to a faraway corner, where he tried to sort out his manner of speaking.

"Mon cheri, I sink Japan is not doing too well," France told Prussia.

_"Oh, hey France! You been called over too?"_

"Non, I came over to see Italy but saw your dear frère and decided to hide in ze closet, but two Italies and Japan were already zere!"

_"I see, so when should I come over?"_

"Whenever is bien, mon ami."

"_Alright, tschüs!"_

The phone was hung up.

And so, the four waited for their fifth ally in the war of the crazy German.

* * *

At Austria's house, things were another matter.

"Alright, specs, I'm going now, so tschüs, sucker!" Prussia called behind him as he began to walk away.

"Hold on a second, where are you going?" Hungary asked from her seat next to Austria.

"To Ita's house! Apparently West is there!"

"Why would he be there?"

"He found out about his rainbowness."

Austria looked confused, but Hungary's seemed to gleam with excitement.

"Finally? Yes! My sweet yaoi time has come!"

"Rainbowness?" Austria asked.

"Gayness. Sexual preference. Bendiness. He's as gay as a rainbow."

"Oh, right."

"I'm coming too Prussia, I need my yaoi!"

"Alright, alright!"

"But Elizabeta-"

"I'll be fine Roderich," she reassured him, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later, for dinner?"

Austria nodded and bid his wife farewell, giving the albino ex-nation a warning look before venturing into the house.

Hungary and Prussia nodded once at each other before speeding off to Italy.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the aforementioned Italian's house, it was chaos. Germany was still acting strange – though at least the doors and windows were locked so he couldn't escape – and the four foreign nations were still trapped in the closet, each too afraid to go out and face the German. Italy was quaking in his boots, white flag clutched in his hands as he hid behind his older brother, who was scowling and swearing under his breath. France was keeping watch through the crack between the door and the frame. Japan was re-reading his manga collection.  
Of course, it could only get worse.  
Especially when Prussia and Hungary came bursting in.  
"WHERE'S THE YAOI?!"

"Sheiβe, Hungary, don't just go yelling that! Wessssssst? Wo bist du?"

Next thing they knew, the closet was_ veeeeery_ crowded.

"Gah! Was zur hölle?!"

"What the-"

"Shut the fuck up guys!" Romano scolded. "We don't want the potato bastard to find us!"

Prussia frowned. "Is it that bad?"

The two Italies, Japan and France all nodded.

"He's been rike this ever since he came back from Porand-san's house." Japan informed the newcomers. "We're not sure how to make him normar again."

A spark appeared in Hungary's eyes. "Well obviously, if he's figured out he's gay, then his love interest has to tell him to stop being strange, or confess to him with a kiss. It will be magical!"

Prussia and Romano then proceeded to facepalm, while France laughed in his creepy French way, Japan's eyes gleamed as he pulled out a camera, and Italy's eyes widened, wondering who the love interest would be.

"So, you're saying we have to find a love interest for West? Well, we're doomed." Prussia concluded, thinking the task would be impossible.

"No, I don't sink so." France disagreed. "In fact, I sink his interest in l'amour may be right in zis very closet…"

Italy was the only one who didn't understand, cocking his head to the side with a 've~?' as the other nations turned to him.

"Good thinking France-kun!" Japan congratulated the Frenchman. "But I don't think Itary-kun knows who we're tarking about."

"But it's obvious!" Hungary was in shock and horror, eyes wide. "They were made for each other!"

"Ve? Who?"

"Kesese, well I _did _hear that he asked Specs for advice on Valentine's day one year."

"No! I refuse to let that damn potato bastard anywhere near mio fratello! Just chuck him a potato or some beer or some other stupid German garbage."

"Who's food do you think you're calling garbage, tomato fucker?"

"Well certainly not mine, albino bastard!"

Prussia and Romano were soon shouting their heads off at each other, so the remaining nations decided to lean against the door to stop Germany from finding them – it was a miracle that he hadn't done so already.

After a few hours, everyone was pretty worn out, and sure that they'd never be able to cure the German of his strange-ness. Luckily, Prussia and Romano were keeping quiet, but only because Prussia was too busy blogging and Romano was trying to calm down his weeping brother.

"W-what if Germany never gets better?!" Italy cried. "W-what if he's stuck like this…f-forever?"

"It'll be fine, fratello. The po- Germany, will get better in no time." Romano awkwardly reassured Italy.

"We're - getting - nowhere!" Hungary said between hitting her head off the wall.

"Zut alors, you're right." France agreed, trying to sort out his hair, which had messed up slightly. "Don't you agree Japan?"

It was only then that they had noticed the absence of the Asian nation.

"Craaaaaaaap…"

* * *

Japan was outside the house, briefing some other nations that he had invited over.

"I think the onry answer to arr this sexuar tension is rove, so everyone in their needs to figure out who they rike. Personarry, I do have a few pairings that I arready ship, so they'rr be canon now."

The nations nodded.

"So, Germany-kun has Itary-kun – but we need to herp them figure out their feerings. To do so, we need to keep them away from the others, especiarry their brothers. Spain-san, you can occupy Romano-kun."

Spain nodded excitedly, while some other nations sniggered at the term 'occupy'.

"Now, who vorunteers to take care of Prussia-kun?"

At first it seemed as though nobody had their hands up, until they took notice of a semi-transparent nation holding a polar bear in one arm and raising the other high into the air. "I'll do it." He said in his quiet accent.

"Oh no you won't!" America yelled. "Canada, bro, I can't let you anywhere near that douche! He could do anything to you!"

"It'll be fine America. He won't do anything, plus he and I are quite good friends anyway-"

"SAY WHAT?! WHEN DID YOU TALK TO HIM? WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU?!"

'_Great, now we need someone to take care of America-san so Canada-kun can take care of Prussia-kun…'_ Japan suddenly had a lightbulb moment as he rushed over to England and whispered something in his ear. England's face grew red, and he began to protest, but couldn't do much seeing as he was suddenly shoved right into America with some surprising force. The two blonds fell to the floor, both blushing quite profusely. Canada took this opportunity to sneak into the house.

"Woah dude, you okay?" America asked England, who nodded as he sat up.

"I suppose I'll survive. Sorry about that."

"No probs dude! You probably just lost your balance, huh?"

"Y-yes, I must have done."

America stood up and extended a hand to the older nation, who took it hesitantly before being pulled to his feet. Of course, Japan knew, they would just part afterwards, and that could not be allowed. Therefore, he gave a little shove in the small of England's back, forcing him into the American's arms.

The cliché moment arrived as the startled Englishman gazed up into the equally startled American's eyes, where they were both caught for a few moments. Lost in the depths of sky blue and forest green, they were unaware of anything else going on around them, only that which occurred within the other's eyes.

Japan had already instructed some other nations to get things ready and make sure nobody would interfere with the plan, so he was left alone in the garden with the two lovebirds. He decided to hide in a nearby bush so he could take pictures if anything happened, with his trusty camera at his side and a walkie-talkie in his pocket so he could communicate with the others. He was being as quiet as possible – though this wasn't hard, he WAS a ninja after all.

After what seemed like an eternity, the two blonds seemed to gravitate slightly closer to each other, and Japan poised his camera in the correct position…

* * *

Meanwhile…

"Lovi~"

"AGH! GODDAMNIT TOMATO BASTARD GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING GRAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHHJFDKBJDKF?!1HJKFDJ/?11"

* * *

"G-Gil?"

"Ah! Birdie!"

* * *

"France?"

"Ah, bonjour Belgique!"

"Japan wants you, he's outside."

* * *

"Huh? Is that my phone? Oh it's Japan texting me…he wants me outside?"

* * *

"Ve~ where did everyone go? I better go find them…"

* * *

Japan, Hungary and France met outside, beside a tree near the bush that had been previously occupied. The garden was clear apart from the three by the tree. Japan had a light blush on his face, and an excited twinkle in his eyes, as he grasped his camera and told the Europeans what to do next.

"Hungary-chan, you must find Germany-kun and get him crose to Itary-kun. France-san, you do the same with Itary-kun."

They nodded before parting.

* * *

Italy wandered around the large house. He knew his was around, but was unsure of where any of his friends could be. He decided to check the kitchen, to see if anyone had gotten hungry. What he found in there was not at all pleasant.

"Onhonhon~"

"GAH! FRANCE!"

_Cue gunshots._

* * *

5 minutes later…

"Ah, Italy, you didn't need to shoot me…"

"Sorry France, but you were naked on my kitchen table~"

* * *

Hungary wandered around the large house. She had no idea where she was going, since she was unfamiliar with the Italian's home. She knew one thing – she had to find Germany, and fast.

She decided to check the master bedroom, to see if he had fallen asleep. What she found was not at all pleasant.

"DEUTSCHLAND IS HAPPY AND GAY~!"

'_I found him…'_ she thought to herself, secretly hating herself for doing so. She decided to come out to him, to see how he would react.

"Germany, hello!"

The blonde turned to the brunette, blue eyes wide. Hungary froze, seeing something in those eyes that she hadn't seen for centuries…

Shaking it off, she smiled warmly. "Germany, didn't you know? Italy was looking for you, he wanted to talk to you."

Germany took in the information before nodding and walking out of the room, with Hungary following him to see where he went.

* * *

"Now Italy, we need to find Germany so 'e can become normal again."

"Ve~ but how do we do that?"

"We sink if you talk to 'im, 'e might be 'imself again."

Italy nodded enthusiastically, obviously pleased with the plan. "Where is he?"

"I don't know, but we shall find 'im!"

Italy led the way out of the room, followed by an 'onhonhon'ing France.

* * *

Germany wandered around the large house. He knew his way around, for he had been at the Italian's many times before, but was unsure of where to look for his friend. He suspected he may be in the kitchen, for he did like food, especially pasta. So that's where he went.

* * *

Italy didn't know where Germany may be, so he just wandered the hallways. It was a stroke of luck that he met the blonde halfway between the kitchen and the master bedroom. As soon as they laid eyes upon each other, they saw something they both hadn't seen in centuries. Italy's eyes widened, full of surprise and shock. Germany's eyes widened too, but he also seemed to calm down. He wasn't acting so strangely anymore, and the sparkles that had occupied the air around his head during his strange time were gone – back to Estonia, where they belonged.

Italy knew he shouldn't, but he did. The first words to escape his mouth were, "H-holy Rome?"

It all came back in a flash. He saw the days in Austria's house. The days where he longed to become stronger. The days with Chibitalia.

He saw the wars. He saw his downfall. He saw his brother, come to save him.

He remembered.

"I-Italien…" Germany started, understanding everything now. "J-ja…ich bin…Das Heilige Römische Reich…"

Though Italy was unable to speak German, he understood the sentence. Tears forming in his light brown eyes, he rushed forward and glomped the German, who caught him in a tight embrace.

"G-Germany…H-holy Rome…why didn't you…tell me?"

"I had forgotten, Italien." Germany answered. "I forgot my past, all I remembered is waking up one day and Prussia telling me he was my brother, and that I was Germany…I remembered the rest just now, when I looked into your eyes…"

"Germany…"

Blue met brown, and the two shared a moment of staring tenderly into each other's eyes – during which hundreds of fangirls squealed and threw slippers at the screen, urging them to kiss. When they finally did, it was magical both in the fangirls' eyes and for the two kissing. True love was found once again and-

* * *

_BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIII IIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG G!_

Japan hit the top of his alarm clock. He had been having a really good dream, and it just _had _to go and ruin it…

But…was it just a dream?

He grabbed his phone and typed in Poland's number.

"_Czesc! You have like, totally reached me, Poland! So, who's this?"_

"Porand-san, it's me, Japan."

"_Oh, Japan! Hey! What's up?"_

"I was just wondering if Germany-kun had visited you ratery?"

"_Huh? Germany? Nope, he hasn't visited me and I haven't seen him since the last world meeting. Sorry."_

"No, that's okay. Arigato, goodbye."

Japan ended the call before burying himself in his futon. He didn't want to come out, he wanted his dream again…

**~LE END~**

* * *

**Author Notes: **Hey! Just quickly putting this up so I can show you guys that I'm still alive~!

So yeah, I wrote this ages ago, so sorry for poor quality!

Also, please remember that **this is a crack fic**. It's not serious at all. This is not how I would write anything with these characters if it were serious.

So, here's the original AN that I wrote at the same time as this fic~

"Woooooooooooow. That was a whole lotta crapola. I don't even. WTF?

What happens in Japan…stays in Japan…XD

Hope you enjoyed that~

By the way, Reader Inserts aren't actually the work of the devil, I just made Japan think so…"

Okay, so I'll see you (hopefully) soon with my new project that I've been working on for ages!

My Tumblr: my pen name plus the Tumblr URL.

Thanks, bye~

~Random ( = ¬ = )7 *salutes you*


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